Father’s Day

I usually don’t think of father’s day anymore. After my father passed away, it was almost a relief not to think of it. I guess because whatever we tried to do was not …anything. I celebrate it now with my surrogate family. It isn’t the same, but I have a lot of respect and love for the man that is as good a father to me as my own was. Possibly more.

Retrospectively, parents can only do what they can, and they do it as best they can. I don't think my father was never taught to be loving or probably even to be loved. Who knows? The more time he is away the more I realize that I knew him not at all. I will never know him. I also know that is not solely my fault. He did not want to be known. He needed to be secret.
It makes me realize also that I don’t want to fall into the same trap, and I have been doing the same thing for a long time.

There are a lot of reasons to stay hidden…

I always wanted to learn things from my father. He was intelligent, knew many languages, was artistic and drew very well, could build things, and when I was young thought he could do anything. As I grew older, somehow that changed. His persona was slipping away from those childhood eyes. Now I saw a bitter, angry and very sad man. He had shut the door. Shut the door on me. I would no longer learn anything from him. I kept on hoping. Hope is not eternal.

So, to my belated father in his solitude and peace…for I know he is in a place where the pain of his life …what ever that may have been, has subsided. I wish for his happiness. More happiness than I think he had in his time with us here. I hope he is proud of what I do and wishes for my happiness as well.
Happy Father’s day … I miss you